Keep Myself Awake
by IAmNotImportant
Summary: Johnny Cade is dead, but Dallas is still alive. How does he react every-night when his lil' Johnnycake visits him, in his dreams? A new spin on Johnny and Dally's relationship.*Slash* UPDATED WITH A FLASHBACK
1. Keep Myself Awake

VTitle: **Keep Myself Awake**

Rating: **PG**

Disclaimer: **I don't own anything.**

Summary: **Johnny's dead but Dallas is still alive. How does he react every-night when his little Johnnycake comes to him, in his dreams? Song-fic to "Keep Myself Awake" by Black Lab(I suggest downloading it, if you have Kazaa, that and "Close Your Eyes" by Christopher Beck, the fic will have more effect when you listen to those songs).**

A/N: **Please, don't hate me. A new spin on Johnny and Dally's relationship. Nothing big though, hopefully. **

_I hate to talk like this  
I hate to act as if there's something wrong  
But I can't say  
I have this dream at night  
Almost every night  
I've been dreaming it forever  
It's easy to remember_

**_I'm in a room, a bright room, but it's freezing, too cold for my own good. _**

****

**_I look around, not the slightest bit alarmed or worried. I don't have to be since I already know where I am and who is there._**

****

****

_It's always cold  
It's always day  
You're always here  
You always say  
I'm alright, I'll be okay  
If I can keep myself awake  
(keep myself awake...)_

**_He's there, watching me. I lay on a tomb, it's looks like a stone coffin and it puts me in a state of confusion. _**

****

****

**_I sit up and glance to the side, my vision focusing on the only thing that seems to stand out in this darkened room.  A smile spreads on my solemn and for the first time I'm actually happy to see someone._**

****

**_He walks towards me, a grin never leaving his tanned face._**

****

**_He looks fine. No scars, no pain written in his face like I had last seen on him. He's fine, fine, that's all I can say. He's here and he's with me. My little bro, my buddy._**

****

****

**_I never say a word all this time but he does. He still observes me and with a nod of his head, he begins, barely audible for my own ears:_**

****

**_"How 'you doing, Dal?  It hasn't been long since I've seen you" _**

****

****

**_I can't talk; I can't even let out some sort of response. _**

****

****

**_All I can do is nod._**

****

**_The urge of wanting to reach out to him filling me inside but both my legs and arms won't budge; they won't make any effort too._**

****

****

**_I feel like cursing, but that fades when he strides slowly closer to me._**

****

**_I stare at the once fragile Greaser, this little harmless-scared boy. Blue eyes to brown ones._**

****

****

**_Then, I manage to let out:_**

****

****

**_"Why do you keep coming to me? Why are you always here…. with me?" I ask, only ask._**

****

****

**_He tilts his head slightly to the side and gazes at me for what seems like an eternity since he last said something._**

****

****

**_The small hood answers, "I thought I could always come to you, Dal" I barely notice him move his visibly soft lips._**

****

**_"You can but not like this, I want things like they use to be," I say back, our voices are oddly calm and it disturbs me._**

****

****

**_"How? Me getting beat by my father, my mother never noticing me, always in fear of getting attacked by Socs……" _**

****

****

**_I shake my head "No, I didn't mean it like that. I meant, you back with the gang, you and I, hanging out again…doing things, I don't want you gone, I don't want to wake up and know that you're not there" I retort, almost plead._**

****

**_He looks at me; I see a faint smile on his mouth._**

****

**_"We're already hanging out…..but I can't go with you, Dally"_**

****

**_I absently begin clenching my fists, I feel anger rising in me and I let myself be taken over by it._**

****

****

**_I suddenly have him in my grasp; I grab him by the labels of his faded jean-jacket. "Why not? Why are you so fuckin' afraid? Things change, I've changed and I don't want you not there, not there with me, I mean us,…… God" _**

****

**_I don't make sense of what I yell into his face. My grasp loosens and I just want to bawl. Me, Dallas Winston, wants to sob._**

****

**_He smiles more at me, never once being scared or startled like I had seen on his face so many times, he looked serene somehow. How could he not realize how he was torturing me? _**

****

I felt his hand on mines "It's just the way things are, Dal…Just the way" 

****

**_Looking down at the gentle JD, I raise my hand up to his face, brushing a part of his bangs away from his eyes, his some-how glowing eyes…_**

****

****

**_I notice the long scar he use to have, is gone. No trace of it ever being there._**

****

**_It's feels morbid, just standing here to absorb in his face._**

****

**_I lean forward and brush my lips against his. _******

****

**_He doesn't fight back but he doesn't embrace it either, neither do I._**

****

****

**_He kisses me lightly and when we break apart. I feel a tear escape me, roll down my cheek._**

****

****

**_"I wish it didn't have to be like this…....I miss you" I whispered as if it were some sort of secret. Dallas Winston couldn't admit loud enough that he "needed" his friend, he needed Johnnycake. My voice was starting to break and I sense myself choking up on my words._**

****

****

**_He laid his hand on the side of my cheek "I know……..but I'm happy here, I feel safe but don't worry………This is not the last of me, us, You'll see me again. Maybe not now, maybe not in years but you'll see me and I'll be here, waiting." _**

****

****

Realization was dawning on me. 

****

**_I loved him, maybe not in a way I would love a girl, maybe not in a way I would love a sibling but I had strong feelings for him._**

****

**_He meant something to me and that was all I could say, to myself._**

****

****

**_"You got to go now, Dal. You have to wake," He said softly to me._**

****

****

**_I shook my head "I don't want to." _**

****

****

**_But he was backing away now, his hand retreats from my face and I immediately miss his touch._**

****

****

"Good-bye, Dallas Winston" 

****

****

**_Before I can even utter another word to him._**

****

**I shoot up in bed, panting hard and trying to catch my breath in violent gasps.**

****

Sweat rolls down my forehead and I have to take a moment calm down, I clutch deathly to the sheets on the tousled bed I lay on.

I get up early and look around me  
And can't help but wonder what you mean  
But I'm sleeping  
I'm so deep in  
So much more real to me  
Closer than reality

I wasn't gay, I wasn't one of those. But I loved Johnny Cade, I didn't deny that. He meant something to me, he was different, the only person I ever gave any real emotion too. Before meeting him, I was cold, hollow inside and hardly alive. Just a corpse, walking around.

**But he changed all that and I'm never going to forget that.**

**I remember his words "This is not the last of me, us, you'll see me again"**

**I had this dream every night, I felt like I would forever.**

**But I dreaded it, once I was there, I never wanted to leave.**

**All I had to do…………….**

**Was keep myself awake.**

**A/N**: Yes! Sort of slash between Dally and Johnny. Review please. I wrote this while listening to "Keep Myself Awake" by Black Lab and the Buffy/Angel theme (It's called "Close Your Eyes" by Christopher Beck). I hoped you like it and had no problem with it.


	2. That Night

Title: Keep Myself Awake  
  
Disclaimer: I owe nothing!  
  
A/N: Aww! * blushes * thanks Rockabye!  
I stumbled into the room, the small-stuffy mess of a room. I managed to slam the door shut as I right about, collapsed on the floor. Shutting the Hank Williams music out of my head, trying to shut the world away for just a couple of hours.  
  
I sat up on my knees, still not getting up. I took a long swig from the Vodka bottle, I held ever so-tightly in my left hand, like a mother would hold their infant child.  
  
I hadn't slept in days. Excuse my French, but I felt like shit, and I probably looked like it as well.  
  
My head throbbed; it was like I could hear everything around me so clearly. It was weird, I was off my hye, drunk as hell, and yet I was so fuckin' alert. I could hear the giggling couples, no, one-night standers walking by my room. I could hear the cars passing by Buck's dump of a house; I could hear a fly in the room.........I could hear Johnny laughing. Was he laughing at me?  
  
I shook my head, but realized right off the bat, that was a bad idea. I moaned, and cursed under my breath "Johnny's gone, damnitt!" I scolded myself.  
  
I had to realize that, I couldn't keep going like this. I couldn't keep preventing myself from sleeping just *not * to see him, see his face, his grinning face.  
  
But that wasn't the Johnny I knew. The Johnny I knew was a frightened little boy, who had been kicked one to many times from his parents, the Socs, life it's self. Christ, why did I always get so fuckin' prophetic every time I got on the subject of Johnny Cade?  
  
I got up on my feet, and dragged my now numb body to the bed. I had been drinking more lately, but why? I mean, it wasn't an unusual thing for me to do but.....  
  
Was I drowning my sorrows on that little fucker.....that Greaser, who managed to make the big-cold Grinch feel some sort of emotion.......Ha! I make myself laugh.  
  
I lay on my stomach, I always did, it was *my * position. I remember, Johnny came here one night, after being whipped by his father. It was raining that night, it had been cold and it was just beginning to show signs of winter approaching.  
  
He was shaking, I could see tears running down his cheeks, but he refused to bawl. At least not in front of me, it disturbed me, to know he felt like he couldn't do "that" before me. Probably felt I would of treated him less of a man if he did so.  
  
That wasn't true.  
  
I remember he stood by the doorway, I told him to come in and that he could crash here with me tonight, I still don't get why he came to me that night. Why he didn't go to the Curtis's.  
  
But that's when I noticed it; the blood stains on the back of his blue-jean- jacket.  
  
God, how could there be so much blood.......when he never fought, never even defended himself.  
  
I looked away in disgust, and I heard him whisper a 'sorry'  
  
But why, why did he apologize?  
  
I looked back at him, and said "No........no, you don't have to be sorry, it's not your fault...." I trailed off then, I forgot what I said after that, or maybe I actually did trail off.  
  
I took his jacket off, I took his shirt off and helped him with his wounds, the damn red slashes he had all across his back, I knew only a belt from a 40-year-old bear-belly ass-hole could of done all that damage.  
  
But as he sat there, me behind him, I had a damp cloth on his back, I knew he was whimpering. Crying silently.  
  
I wanted to hold him, hold him in my arms and say that he didn't deserve this, that his father wasn't going to get away with this. But what could I do. What could I *really * do?  
  
The last thing I wanted was Johnny being taken away by social workers. If he was, taken away. I don't think the gang could ever get along without him. He was the gang's pet.  
  
Ponyboy would be devastated, I would be too.  
  
But he was taken away, not by social workers though. By rescuing those damn children from a burning church. How could he be so fuckin' stupid? Why couldn't he have acted like me? He*should * have acted me.  
  
If he were, if he had, he would still be alive. I know that. Nothing would have touched him, nothing at all.  
  
Thing is, he would be cold, like me.  
  
And I didn't want him to go through that like have, I don't want that for him, no, never.  
  
That night, that seemingly dull night but will always be invented in my mind, I watched him. I watched him sleep, don't worry, it's less creepy than it sounds.  
  
I never took my eyes off him. I observed him, I protected him.  
  
He whimpered that night; he even kicked slightly in the bed. I wondered what he was dreaming. If I could know one thing in this world, *that * would be it.  
  
THAT. I would want to know what Johnny Cade dreamt. What every night he went to bed too.  
And too tell you the truth.....I liked the feeling...the feeling of knowing that I was somehow looking over him, protecting him.  
  
But now.....I hadn't protected him from the night he killed the Soc, from going into that church......I thought I had but I was seriously mistaken.  
  
I'm not looking over him anymore.  
He's looking over me now.  
Please review! I'm defiantly writing a third chapter, and it is on it's way. I wrote this while listening to "Lucky" by Bif' Naked.  
  
The next chapter is going to take place the same night as this one, what Dallas Winston dreams that night. 


	3. Revelations

This is where your sanity gives in  
and love begins  
Never lose your grip  
don't trip  
don't fall  
you'll lose it all  
The sweetest way to die  
It lies deep inside  
you can not hide  
it's the meanest fire  
Oh, it's a strange desire  
you can not lie  
that's a needless fight  
This is where your sanity gives in

                                          -"Paralyzed" by The Cardigans ****

****

****

I turned in the bed, I grunted and reached for my forehead to wipe the sweat that had developed, as a matter of fact, it was all over my body. I was sweating like a stuck pig.

****

_It's been exactly two hours since I've been lying here, tossing and turning. But never once closing my eyes, never once the slightest bit close to falling asleep._

_But that's how I felt an hour ago. Now, now I was getting drowsy. I could sense all the alcohol I had drunk earlier starting to really effect me._

_"_Fuck…….."__

****

**_I felt like the walls were coming up, and the bed was spinning, everything was out of control._**

****

**_The sun had already gone down, and it was almost mid-night. There wasn't one light on in the room. The shades were slightly opened, and the moonlight peaked through them and washed over the end of the bed. I looked down at my muddy-boots. I hadn't even bothered to take them off._**

****

**_There was someone knocking, no, banging at the door now. _**

****

**_I rolled over and moaned, I was about to hurl. This wasn't going to be pretty._**

****

**_And yet……._**

****

**_That person_**

****

**_That damn person who had the nerve to annoy me at this hour, continued……._**

**"_Knock"_**

****

**_"KNOCK"_**

****

_I managed to get up; I stumbled about, even tripped on the white blanket that I had kicked onto the floor._

_"_**What? What the fuck do you want_?" I Practically yelled as I almost ripped the door from its hinges._**

Silence 

_There was no one there, no one at all._

****

**_I peered from the doorway, I looked out into the hallway_**

****

**_There wasn't a person in sight, it was odd, and this was Buck's place. You saw a person groping another everywhere you turned._**

****

**_But not tonight, no, there was no one. There was even no music, nothing._**

****

**_Every door to a bedroom upstairs were flung opened, and as I walked by them, I saw there were no people in them._**

****

**_It was like they had been swept away, by a storm, by the wind, by something I still didn't know._**

****

**_I went slowly down the stairs, and as I walked into the living room, I still saw no one._**

****

**_There were drinks left abandoned at the mini-bar, there were jackets thrown over the sofas._**

**"Where the hell is everyone?" _I asked, out-loud._**

****

**_It was like a ghost town, technically, a ghost house._**

****

**_I soon hear laughter._**

****

It was low at first, barely hearable but progressed until I could hear it as if it were just out front.

****

****

**_I walked toward the door and opened it, immediately feeling the nice-cool wind embrace me, and hear the laughter even nearer._**

****

****

**_What I saw outside amazed me._**

****

**_I looked up at the lights, the sparkling lights, and the rides, yes, all kinds of rides._**

****

**_It was a carnival. Some sort of carnival that was out in Buck's front yard?_**

****

**_This wasn't real……………._**

****

**_This was a dream; I think I realized that long before._**

**_I could see everyone that had been inside, enjoying themselves, like children._**

****

**_Was that Buck over there, eating Cotton Candy?_**

****

**_I shook my head and continued to walk about._**

****

****

**_As I saunter through the crowd, I felt like more and more people were coming towards me. I felt almost lost in the sea of Greasers._**

****

**_I faltered backwards when someone bumped into me, then someone else, then another._**

****

**_People were coming from all parts, and it was as if, they only way to get to their destination, is to go through me._**

****

**_But someone caught my eye though._**

****

**_And I completely forgot about the shoving Greasers._**

****

****

****

****

**_I see a certain someone standing a few feet away from me; he just stares at me and grins._**

****

****

He oddly stands out from the rest, he's stands in the middle of the crowd but yet, left untouched, like there was some sort of energy surrounding him.

****

****

**_H_e _cocked his head slightly to the side and raised his eyebrow mid-way. _**

****

**"You look horrible, Dal" _Johnny observed, a small smile playing on his lips_.**

**_I stood up straighter, and crossed my arms_ "Yeah, well, I haven't had the best week" _I replied._**

**"And why is that?" _He asked, tilting his head to the side more, like a curious child. Yet he stood with a stance I'd never seen on him. Before, when he was alive, he often stood with a slight hunch, but now, now he stood with his back straight and an attitude that radiated off him, like, "Shit can't touch me, I wouldn't let it"_**

**_I shrugged_ "I don't know, life's just like that, you haven't forgotten have you?" _I retorted, but winced, I knew that the Johnny I was talking to was just something out of my head, out of my damn imagination, but I couldn't, couldn't talk to him like I did with others._**

_His smiled grew bigger_ "No……..It's not 'just like that', it's * you * who's like that" _he said._

**_I looked at him in a weird way, my face scrunched up a bit_ "Come again?" **

**H_e walked closer to me, but it was almost as if he just appeared by my side,_ "One thing I've learned, is that Life doesn't bring you problems, you do, you bring them on yourself" _He answered me, that confidence in his voice I was still not use too there. Could this really be Johnny? I kept asking that question to myself._**

_I felt his hand on my shoulder for a brief moment, then it was gone, and he was standing before me like he never even raised a finger. I knew, this, him; he could actually be the real thing, the real person, Johnnycake._

**_I was tensed, even I could notice it, but how couldn't I be? So, to calm down, I snapped,_ "You know, if this weren't a dream, I'd kick your ass right about now"**

**_He laughed softly_ "No one, nothings, stopping you, Dally. Go right ahead"**

**_I raised an eyebrow_ "Big talk for a dead guy" **

**"Does that surprise you?" _He asked, eyeing me, his hands behind his back now._**

**"Boy, your pushing it tonight, aren't you?" _I commented _**

**"Do I normally *not * act like this? how do you often see me as?" _He asked some more._**

**_I perceived this_ "What's with the questions? Do you have some sort of quota you need to reach?" _I responded, setting my mouth into a straight jaw line._**

****

**_I saw a lock of his bangs fall onto his face; he blew them away to the side._**

****

It was the only thing that seemed normal he had done so far.

**"I'm just helping you," _He said, beginning to button up his jean-jacket._**

**"Really? And how is that? Because I would just love to know" _I rolled my eyes, and started to follow him as he began walking to the congest ant stand. _**

****

**"I'm trying to help you out in your confusion" _He casually replied, stepping up to the booth and taking a soda pop._ **

**"Confusion?" _I muttered, bewildered in what he meant _**

****

**"Yeah" _he glanced at me and nodded, then turned back._ **

**"You want one?" _He suddenly asked, as I was about to go on with the subject._**

**"No……" _I said, turning down the popcorn he was now holding_**

**"You sure? It's real good" _He held it up higher to my face, as he took some and popped it into his mouth._**

****

**"Damnitt, Johnny…….No……….What do you mean about my confusion? I'm confused?" _I said, getting frustrated._**

**_He put the popcorn bag on the booth and turned back to me once more_ "Confused? Afraid? Something like that" _he answered, starting to walk once more._**

I sighed and followed. I saw he kept fidgeting with the buttons on his jacket.

"Stop………" 

**_He didn't seem to listen _**

****

**"Stop!" _I said louder, he listened._**

****

**"What are you doing?" _I asked, looking down at him._**

**"It's-it's getting cold out here" _He said, shivering slightly._**

**"Your dead! How can * you* get cold?" _I said, surprised at the highness of my voice._**

He frowned 

**I looked down at the ground "I'm-I'm sorry, Johnnycake, I didn't mean to snap at you li-" _But as I looked up to him again, I found, he wasn't standing there anymore._**

**"Johnny? Johnny?" _I said his name, as I glanced around _**

**"Over here!" _He called, I saw him standing by the Ferris wheel, and he was getting onto one and gesturing for me to come._**

**"No, no, get back over here, we still have to talk" _I objected, shaking my head, I wasn't the Ferris type._**

**"Oh, come on! We'll talk up there," _He said, pointing up into the night sky._**

I knew Johnny was going somewhere with this, he wasn't going to drop it either, but I needed to get more information out of him. What did he mean about me being confused?

**"Fine, fine" _I gave in, muttering under my breath as I went to him, He smiled as we sat down in the seat._**

The Ferris Wheel took us up high, as if we were actually up in the sky, one of the freakin' stars and I had to admit, it wasn't bad. Being here, being here with Johnny.

He was looking down at the people, they seemed like ants from up here, he kept chuckling softly, and he looked as if he were really enjoying himself 

**"You know, this is the first time I've ever been to a carnival," _He whispered to me, still looking out into the festival._**

**"No, you must of gone to those carnivals that come into Tulsa all the time" _I said, staring at him. _**

**_He shook his head_ "Every time I've wanted to go, something happened at home, and I couldn't" _The softness in his voice at this moment bothered me, made rethink his death, it seemed so real, so vivid being here. In this dream, this couldn't be a dream._**

He looked over at me and all traces of sadness disappeared, he smiled, I couldn't help but do the same.

**Unintentionally, I reached out, and placed my hand over his, over the metal bar that kept us closed into the seat.**

**He didn't pull away, didn't even seem to notice but he did say "……..You're confused" _He re-stated_ **

**"What do you mean by that? Tell Me," _I urged, through clenched teeth._**

**"This thing is…….It's what I , you, already know" _He answered me, his brown eyes seeming to be bigger than ever._**

**_I closed my eyes for a moment, catching my breath; the air was humid up here._**

****

**_But as if he were reading my mind, he leaned into my ear and whispered._**

****

**"………..You have feelings, feelings you're too afraid to realize, some part of you has, the other, well, the other feels it's something too…….icky, for you to *want * to welcome"**

I turned my head to him, and for a moment, all I could do was stare, just stare.

What was he getting with this? And was it what I was just beginning to realize, every damn day since I started having these fuckin' dreams, it's been the only thing on my mind, the only damn thing I could think of.

He narrowed his eyes, and with his head, he gestured towards my hand.

My eyes widened for a brief moment and I quickly retreated my hand from his, no, this wasn't happening. I wasn't going to let it happen.

I heard a faint sigh escape his mouth and he fidgeted slightly in his part of the seat.

"No, no, Johnny I know what you mean, but you got it wrong. I love you, I really do, but not like that,……..(more shaking of my fuckin' head)……..It can't be like that" I continued to babble, saying anything I could without ever actually saying "I'm not a damn pansy!" 

Then I noticed something more, and this made me shut-up, close my mouth. 

It was Johnny, and he was breathing hard now. He was looking down like he had earlier, but now, now his eyes darted around and he soon burst. He began screaming, yelling, and holding his head. His hands on the sides of his greasy head. I hadn't seen him blow-up like this in quite a while, I even came to believe he was in some sort of 'no-harm' rule now, but that wasn't the case. Not at all.

"Damnitt, Dally. Face it!……Are you so freakin' blind or just stupid……….Are you even aware that almost every damn day you think of the one thing you haven't STOPPED thinking of ever since that night in the hospital……..Oh, look it at that, the winner is…….ME! You've been beating yourself up, drinking more, sleeping less, because you already know that you're……….."

I had to interrupt now; I wasn't going to let him say it. 

"Shut the hell up, Johnny………don't say it, don't!" I shouted at him.

He glared at me, and what seemed like a century since we've been on this fuckin' wheel, it stopped, and we were at the end finally.

Without a word, the man controlling the ride, opened the door of the seat for us, and Johnny quickly pushed through and stomped off.

I sat there. I rubbed erratically at my temples, god, I could feel a migraine coming on.

But I got up, and dragged myself throughout the place. I was suddenly washed over by quilt, guilt for treating Johnny like I had, guilt for not believing in what he was actually saying……was true.

"Damn him" I muttered under my breath, and cursed some more.

But I stopped when I = noticed commotion riling. Everyone was gathering around the platform that was held as a stage, I hadn't noticed it, and it seemed like it had just appeared right now.

I shot alert when I saw Johnny Cade walk onto the stage, he held a microphone in his left hand and he kept staring out into the crowd, no, he was staring at me, straight in the eye.

"…….Hey, everyone. Most of you don't know me, but you probably know a one Dallas Winston, huh?" He asked, smirking.

By the cheers and whistles from the crowd, that meant a yes.

I stood there, dumb-founded. What the hell was he up to?

"Well, I'd thought I'd share some news, since the real person is to chicken to say……..Mr. Dallas Winston, I say this for your own good, right now, in front of everyone……..You are a……..(I hitched my breath in my chest)…….A very good friend"

I let out a sigh of relief. He didn't say anything, but were those his first intentions anyway?

He grinned and hopped off the stage, making his way to me. 

"You little-…" He raised his hand up "Calm down. I just wanted to see something, the look on your face when I was up there. You were afraid that I was about to tell everyone something you didn't want them to know, but why? I thought you said none of it was true, you didn't have any feelings, so why were you so frightened?" 

Everything he said, in a strange way, made sense to me and I knew where he was going with this.

"Johnny, when did you become so fuckin' philosophical on me?" I couldn't help but grin just as well as he.

"Right around the time you realized that women's shaving cream is not the same as men's cream" He let out a small giggle and crossed his arms. He knew me to well, he still did.

"Hey, they should say so on the bottle" I defended myself; I smiled and looked down at the ground. Kicking a rock with my boot "Johnny, this is the 60's……Faggots aren't…….a known thing around here" I got to the point, I couldn't let it slip.

"And that's the thing, you're not one,……….This is not something you were born with, it's not something that's going to affect your life forever. It just developed, this love, appeared, and both you and I, couldn't stop it…….." He got nearer to me, He was breathing softly again, I could barely even tell.

But me, I tensed once more, as I felt his hand on my face. I swallowed the lump in my throat. 

"Ssh…….This is just a dream" and with those words, he leaned in and pressed his mouth against mine. His warm lips on mine, everything with mines. He kissed me softly, then harder. At first, I didn't know what to do, but I didn't have to. I calmed down and put my hand on his back, kissing him back. 

The thing that scared me was that we were outside, holding each other close in public, and I knew most of these people. I think that was suppose to mean something, what scared me even more………..Was that I wasn't afraid any longer, I wasn't worried if anyone saw us, if they were disgusted with us. Us,  that was what we were now.

When we broke apart, Johnny looked up at me with soulful eyes, those eyes said a lot.

"Congratulation's Dallas Winston……….We can move onto the next step, it's really why I'm here"

I looked at him strangely "Next part?" I blurted out.

He nodded, but seemed sad some how   
  


"The next part…….is you have to let go of me" 

Selling out   
Is not my thing   
Walk away   
I won't be broken again   
I'm not   
I'm not what you think   
Dream away your life   
Someone else's dream   
Nothing   
Equals nothing   
  
Letting go   
Is not my thing   
Walk away   
Won't let it happen again   
I'm not   
I'm not very smart   
Why should I be sad   
For what I never had   
Nothing   
Equals nothing   
  
Turn to stone   
Lose my faith   
I'll be gone   
Before it happens

                     -"Gone" by Madonna 

Please Review! I hope you didn't find any of this offensive; I'm the last person who would ever want to make problems with someone on this issue. Please review though, I really like working on this fic, and love reviews even more. 

****

****

****

****

****

****

****

****

****


	4. The Hostility

I shot up in bed; sweat running down my forehead to fall over my lips, making me accidentally taste the salty liquid. As I spit it out, the dream suddenly hits me again. Most people often forget what they've dreamt after waking up, **_but me_**, I'm different. It's more like I immediately remember everything that happened.

_"…You have to let go of me"_ Johnny's words rung in my ears as if he was still saying them.

After a few minutes of catching my breath, I managed to drag my almost numb body from the bed, and stumble towards the door. Opening it, I was greeted with cheap and almost deafening Hank Williams music. I saw some of Shephard's gang in the hall, having a smoke.

When I passed the hoods, I didn't even realize some were greeting me. My way of walking was odd, and it was like I was learning how to do it for the first time. 

As I made my way down to where most of the party was, I saw a familiar face. 

"Ponyboy?" I said out-loud, my voice raspy and blinking twice to see if it was actually the auburn-haired boy and not my imagination. I already had one little hood to envision and I certainly didn't need another one.

He stood by the stairs and looked up at me "Dal, there you are, I have to talk to you……**_now_**, Darry doesn't know I'm here, he's going to kill me when he finds out….." Pony shook his head with a seldom face, he didn't seem to be real worried of the trouble he could get himself into with his older brother. His pale lips formed a straight line, and I wondered if they had ever smiled before. The old Ponyboy I knew was almost a memory to me now…. It's probably just me though. I could be wrong since I haven't been around the gang much lately. To put it simply, **_too much shit has happened recently for me to go hang around with my grease buddies._**

Shrugging, I continued to go down the final steps "We can talk outside while I have a smoke" I told him as we began walking to the back porch of the ramshackle house, it was oddly empty out here. Beer bottles were lined up on the banister and I knocked some over to sit up on it. My worn-out jean clad leg outstretched before me as I looked out into the night, the nice cool air breezing through and ruffling my blonde hair. My eyes closed for a moment…

Pony stood by my side; he held a small distance from me. He's sort of done that more ever since Johnny died, something changed between us when that Greaser….**_left_**. Something changed in the whole gang. It was a strange vibe, somehow. We always said Johnnycake was our 'Gang's pet' and we could never get along without him, but I thought it was only a joke. Could it have been true all along?

"What did you want to tell me, Pon?" I asked, lighting the cigarette, which up to this point, I longed for.

"It's-It's……It's" The fourteen-year-old stuttered, as if he didn't really know where to start. This made me even more curious to what he wanted. It must have been important though, with him breaking his promise to Darry about staying out of a seeing range of Buck Merril's place and all.

"Just spill it, Curtis. I'm not in the mood for a _Guess and Tell_ game right now" I told him, glancing back at his slender but slightly built form.

He nodded, and looked down "It's about…….Johnny" Pony said, his voice so low it was almost a whisper.

This got my attention, and I was staring at him directly. "What about him?" I asked, with a suspicious eyebrow arched.

"…..Lately……I mean, I went over to his parents house, and managed to talk to his mother while she was still sober and his father was out,……Well, she told me I could take anything of his, she hadn't even gone into his room after…….that night……..and" Pony rambled, and I knew he was having trouble trying to get to his point. The 'point', which was clawing at me from inside and making me burn with more anxiousness, although I was doing a great job at not showing it.

"What is it, Pon?" I tilted my head somewhat to the side and took a drag from my weed.

"Johnny…….I found these in his room……Johnny wrote them" He took out a small stack of paper that of course, must have been letters- from his back pocket. They were tied together by a rubber band and as Pony held them up, he looked at me strangely.

"He wrote these, a couple of weeks before the accident……..Some even earlier." Ponyboy continued.

"And what does this have to do with me?"  It came out as almost a snarl, I didn't know why, I didn't even know why I was trying to come off as not interested, but I was…I truly was and wanted to know what was written in those letters.

.

"…….Dally……..All these letters are addressed to you, written **_for_** you……." He replied, slowly. 

I was starting to sense something was wrong here, something was leaking out.

"You-you read them?" Was the only thing I could blurt out.

He nodded "………Dal, I'm not going to beat around the bush anymore…Is there…was****there **_something _**going on between you and Johnny……?" He asked, a stricken almost determined look on his face at this instant.

Oh god, he knew. He was getting the idea and I was realizing why I had the dream I had.

Sitting up, "Let me see those" I ordered, out-stretching my arm and ignoring his question.

He shook his head "No, not until you tell me what the hell was going on!?……I'm not leaving until you tell me" He gripped onto the letters, looking at me with a expression that seemed confused……..**_and disgusted?_**

"You have guts, Curtis……" I simply responded, flicking my cigarette away and getting up to me feet.

"No, I just got questions…" He backed away, rather nervously, as I got closer to him. Approaching him slowly, like a predator would do when he has cornered his prey. But I was suspecting, this was different. The roles could be easily switched with the vital secret Pony knew, or was now just finding out.

"Well, those **_questions_**……Are none of your damn business, now give me those fuckin' letters before I pound on your-.."

He interrupted, his eyes wide "You were in-love with Johnny, you loved him and you knew it, you still do!" He said, his voice rising.

Quickly, I noticed the back-door to the house was wide open and yet still no curious glances were directed to us …….Not if Ponyboy shut his trap, their wouldn't be.

He began again, but I covered his mouth and dragged him to the corner, the dark shadow where the moon didn't hit. I could barely see his face but I think he could see mines.

I pushed him hard against the poorly painted wall. "Listen up……You tell anyone, I swear to god I will hunt you down and you do **_not _**want to do know what I'll do to you" I threaten, pointing my finger before his face. Some part of me was yelling "_What are you doing!?_" but the other half was furious. This was Ponyboy I was holding up against the wall, my hand around his neck so, he wouldn't run away.

Not even realizing I was breathing hard now; I could tell he was frightened. Suddenly, a part of his face came into view, and I could see his expression…he wasn't scared at all, he was mad. He was glaring at me, with what could almost be called hatred in his eyes.

"It's true, I knew it, the letters, all that…..feeling….just writing for **_you_**…..I knew their couldn't just be friendship there……..God, you guys are……this is wrong, Dal" Pony hissed, both our voices in a hush but firm tone.

"And what the hell do you no about this, Huh?……..You don't know the first thing about it, You don't **_want_** to know it…….You have no fuckin' idea what you're saying….." I wanted to yell, but couldn't. People I knew were just in the next room, but I was reeling with anger. This little twerp, I couldn't believe Ponyboy was evening talking to me about this matter and I was actually letting him! I knew he was trying to say, **_"This is sick! A boy loves another, sick!"_** But that wasn't the point, this was more……Their was **_more_** to all of it. It went deeper…….a deeper level. Oh god, no one understood……

"Dally, I'm trying to get through you…….Don't you see that this is wrong!?……"

I shook my head, but he was immobile in my tight grasp "Johnny's dead, gone, so there couldn't be possibly anything that is **_wrong_** anymore"

Pony closed his eyes for a second and as he opened them again, he sighed "But it doesn't change the part where you're not denying all of this. The whole time, their was something going on and I, the gang, didn't even notice it……" He quickened the pace in which he was saying his words, trying to cut through me, like I would let him. Change my mind, I knew what I was feeling, I was aware it was there but I couldn't just change it, no, never.

"It didn't happen……**_nothing _**happened between us when he was alive……only after" I stammered, my grasp around his neck becoming somewhat loose, but he was still pinned to the wall by me.

"After? Dally, listen to yourself! You're losing it, you're taking Johnny's death as an excuse to retreat from everyone and think……think you were actually in-love with him, do you even realize that you must of egged him on, made him believe-…."

I pushed Ponyboy harder against the side of the house, both my hands on each of his shoulders this time. "I didn't make him believe anything…….I admit it, I love Johnny……but that's all that was ever there, nothing ever went beyond admiring him from afar, I never touched him……." I choked on my words a bit, my eyes were turning glazed. I never touched him……Not like I did in my dream, never once in real life, when he was actually here.

I gazed at Ponyboy one last time, before turning around in a halt. My back facing him, I steadied myself on the railing of the white banister. "You don't understand, Ponyboy…….Don't try too" I said dismissively, taking air into my lungs and looking down.

"……I guess I won't…….Don't worry though……I won't tell" And with those final words, I could hear the sound of his foot-steps disappearing and he was gone.

Closing my eyes, I let a tear roll down my cheek. My knuckles became white as I gripped onto the railing, clenching my teeth, wanting to break something. I hated this, I don't want to……feel. Too many emotions running through me and I don't want to deal with them. Not yet, not never.

But I had too, Johnny told me……..He said that I needed to let him go, I knew I did. I couldn't spend the rest of my worthless life like this, sulking and longing for someone who is never going to come to me, never going to satisfy me.

"Pony" I called suddenly when the thought entered my mind again, turning around, but I already had the notion he was gone. Too far away to hear me now.

I had forgotten about the letters, those letters, which were meant for me but probably, **_not_** meant for me reading them.

Kicking the empty beer bottle that was on the floor, the need for another cigarette hit me once more. It was the best choice to calming down at this point.

As I patted my pockets, looking for the small box, I felt something else; I took out a stack of white paper with familiar handwriting all over them.

Pony had slipped them into my pocket while I was "assaulting" him.

My hands began to quiver a little. Why? I was anxious yet once again afraid of what I was about to read and find out.

Slowly, I opened the first one.

Dear Dally,……….


	5. What Now, Dallas Winston?

**Title: Keep Myself Awake-Letters, What now?**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing!**

**A/N: I skip around from letter to letter in this chapter. The first letter is the most recent one, and then it goes farther back.**

**Once more thing, I know this is a delicate matter I am writing, and some people have serious reviews that say they "Don't Approve", the only thing I have to say is that I am not seeking any sort of approval. Putting to use what I can or cannot post on F.F.net, and my constitutional right for freedom of speech, that people simply not read this story if they have issues concerning the premise of it and what I am writing. In short, if it's against your beliefs or morals, you can always click out of this fic. I don't want to offend anyone, I just want to…..write fanfiction.**

**I hurt myself today   
To see if I still feel   
I focus on the pain   
The only thing that's real   
The needle tears a hole   
The old familiar sting   
Try to kill it all away   
But I remember everything   
  
What have I become?   
My sweetest friend   
Everyone I know   
Goes away in the end   
You could have it all   
My empire of dirt   
I will let you down   
I will make you hurt   
  
I wear this crown of shit  
Upon my liar's chair   
Full of broken thoughts   
I cannot repair   
Beneath the stain of time   
The feeling disappears   
You are someone else   
I am still right here   
  
What have I become?   
My sweetest friend   
Everyone I know   
Goes away in the end   
You could have it all   
My empire of dirt   
I will let you down   
I will make you hurt   
  
If I could start again   
A million miles away   
I would keep myself   
I would find a way**

**                                       -Cover of Johnny Cash's song "Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails**

****

_Dear, Dally                                                                                               09/15/66_

As I write to you, always you, I'm sitting on the cold floor of this church in Windrixville you had sent me too. Pony's at my side, sleeping with his head on my lap. I feel sorry for the kid; I can tell he really wants to go back home. Even I want to go back, but I'm afraid. I keep telling him it's going to be all right, that when we return home everything will have cleared up with the fuzz. But I know, what I'm saying, I'm lying. I'm lying to my best friend! I'm also scared of what the Socs might do to me, not just the police. Being here at Windrixville, for the first time I didn't have to deal with the stupid rivalry, I wasn't labeled "Just A Greaser", I don't even think most of the people around here even knew what that means. I can't stay here forever though; I can't let Darry and Soda suffer Ponyboy's disappearance because of me! I wish that night never happened; I wish I never killed that guy. I took away someone's life, Greaser or Soc, it doesn't matter. All these problems are appearing and they're all because of me! I did it, I killed the Soc! Not Ponyboy, Not you, nobody. Yet everyone is worried and shocked! You're suppose to come soon, like you promised. I've decided to go back with you, me and Pony. I'm turning myself in because guilt is eating away inside of me, guilt and fear. I hate this feeling, it's like I have knots non-stop in my stomach and theirs no cure for them. I'll tell the Fuzz it was all my fault, Pony never did anything and I'll say you never helped us. Never. I wouldn't want you in any more trouble than you already are. I couldn't bare that nor risk it. You got to promise me, Dal. Please, let me do this, don't stop me. I know you have this thing for me, you treat me like something special and you look out for me, but you can't now. You just can't. You were the only person that I could think of to go to when I needed help and you're still that person. Dal, I need help now but not on this. You're never going to read this, but before you come, before Ponyboy wakes up, I have to write it. Tell you, that……..I love you, I always have. You're my friend, my hero, and I'm going to miss hanging out with you, learning what everyone thinks is useless from you even though I don't think it is. If you did read this, you'd think I was a sensitive idiot. I wish I had the guts to give this letter to you, and let you know that there is someone out there who cares about Dallas Winston. 

_                                                                                                                                 Love,_

_                                                                                                                                        Johnny_

_Dear Dally, _

_          I just got back from my first rumble. It was a blast! I never felt such a rush before, me and Pony teamed up, together we were unstoppable…. At least up until I got kicked in the stomach and Pony got slugged pretty hard across the jaw. I noticed the way you fought, never once stopping to pant like most of us were doing. You just kept at them, I almost feel sorry for any Soc that was up against you. I don't know, that was something I've never seen in you before. Like burning flames suddenly erupted from a campfire. You were alive and the whole purpose, our purpose for the while was….fight, only fight _

_                                                                                                                       Your Friend, _

_                                                                                                                                 Johnny_

_Dear, Dally_

_   I met your new girlfriend today, I saw you two at the DX. She sure is pretty for a Grease-y girl but kind of….raw? I can tell you like her, or at least her body, since you're always touching her. I was getting a coke from the cooler and I saw you two through the open door of the back room.  I don't want to say what I saw, but for a moment, all I could do was…stare, my mouth open and almost dropping the glass bottle of Coca-Cola I barely had in my hand. I don't know what was wrong with me…...I'm even more confused in what I felt right there, seeing you with Sylvia._

_…..I think it was_

_ Jealousy…..?                                                           _

_                                                                                                                    Your Confused Friend,_

_                                                                                                                                            Johnny_

_   Dear, Dally_

_     Today it's raining, so I'm stuck here at my house. My parents are fighting. Again. I think it's the third time today and it's barely 2:00pm yet. I don't want to be here, I just know my dad is going to come into my room any minute now, and beat me. He always does, especially with that black belt of his. Why do parents have to hit their children? It doesn't teach them anything, just makes them afraid. I guess that's what they want after all. I hate being here, I want to leave right now, maybe I'll climb out the window so, I won't have to face the two people I can hardly think of as my Mom and Dad anymore. I want to be where you are. I want to hang out with you. I want to be with you Dally, not here, in hell. I just….want. _

_Want…..That's all I've been urging for lately. Want._

_                                                                                                                                                  ….Luv, _

_                                                                                                                                                     Johnny _

_Dear, Dally_

_        I turned sixteen today, I didn't really think much about it when I woke up this morning. My parents hadn't said anything (I don't even think they knew) but when I got to the Curtis' house everything was dark, to my surprise, once I stepped inside, everyone jumped out. I even saw you come out of one of the rooms, and for a brief moment, I caught you smiling….at me. I think that was one of the best gifts I got today, thanks for the switchblade though. It could come in handy someday. This has to be the greatest birthday I ever had. I'm grateful for having the guys as friends. I'm glad you were even there…..I like the way you can talk to me and never give me any shit. You treat me like a friend, and that's exactly the reason I want to tell you what I've been beating myself up the past weeks and it's also the reason why I CAN'T tell you at the same time. I don't want to scare you, hell, I don't want to scare myself. Lately, everything has been changing….my views….my feelings. It's like a puzzle, I've been one all my life and just now am I starting to find the other game pieces to finish it, me. It's confusing but I can't tell you what I'm trying to say, not yet._

_I hope you'll understand some day…..    _

_                                                                                                                                                              Luv, _

_                                                                                                                                                                 Johnnycake_

_ Dear, Dally_

_    I can't take it anymore!! I can't hold it inside any longer; it's clawing at me from the inside like a cat. Dally, I'm just going to come out and say it, but since I'm too chicken to ever face you, instead I'm writing it down. I doubt you're ever going to read this, but if you do, I want you too know that I can't stand living a lie. I've been thinking differently this whole time, I don't know what's wrong with me, and I know theirs no cure or antidote to what I have…. Should I be ashamed? Disgusted? Last night, I dreamt of…you. We were together, just the two of us, like always but this time it was different, entirely. We did things, I shouldn't be thinking, things I wouldn't even tell Ponyboy! I woke up in the middle of the night, I took a cold shower and…….I burned my hand slightly on the kitchen stove, I put it over the small heat. I'm clutching my left hand as I write, and I still feel….dirty…..No, not dirty, I still have this feeling inside of me…._

_Dallas Winston, I think I'm_

_In-love with you_

_Now what?                              _

_                                                                                                                                         Love, _

_                                                                                                                                          Johnny_

_Dear, Dally_

_         I tried telling you today how I felt. Some part of me kept saying that if I just confronted you and got it over with, it would disappear, the way I feel, the way my heart almost skips a beat when your around. God help me. I tried, I really tried telling you but when I got to Bucks place, I went up to one of the rooms, I wish I hadn't….._

_   Well, you were in one of those rooms and when I opened the door, I saw you already had company. Sylvia. _

_    I ran out_

_ I think I cried, I can't remember_

_  Now what?_

_ I'M ASKING YOU! NOW WHAT?_

_I'm not going to do this anymore; I'm not going to beat myself up over you. I'm over with. I know you would never feel anything towards me, and if I told you how I felt, you'd just think I wasn't a man._

_Well, guess what, Dallas? I'm doing something a man would do, I'm letting go…._

_                                                                                                                              Your Buddy Forever,_

_                                                                                                                                                Johnny_

**I hoped you liked this chapter, sorry if you didn't. Please review!**


	6. No then, Yes now

**Title: Keep Myself Awake**
    
    **Disclaimer: I own nothing! **
    
    **A/N: Thank you so much, Jkb, I _really _appreciated that review of yours. It made me feel a lot better after reading it, and want to write more & more for this fic. It's my favorite of all I've done, anyway, but again, thank you. And it is true what you said.**
    
    **Like I mentioned, anyone who has a problem with slash, you can always click out of this fic. Everyone is different, I happen to have no issues or problems with this matter but I'm me, I respect if you don't… It's not my judgment against anyone.**
    
    **Chapter dedicated to Jkb, for being awesome. **
    
    ****
    
    **_If I should die this very moment  
    
    I wouldn't fear  
    
    For I've never known completeness  
    
    Like being here  
    
    Wrapped in the warmth of you  
    
    Loving every breath of you  
    
    Still in my heart this moment  
    
    Or it might burst  
    
    Could we stay right here  
    
    Until the end of time until the earth stops turning  
    
    Wanna love you until the seas run dry  
    
    I've found the one I've waited for  
    
      
    
    All this time I've loved you  
    
    And never known your face  
    
    All this time I've missed you  
    
    And searched this human race  
    
    Here is true peace  
    
    Here my heart knows calm  
    
    Safe in your soul  
    
    Bathed in your sighs  
    
    Wanna stay right here  
    
    Until the end of time  
    
    'Til the earth stops turning  
    
    Gonna love you until the seas run dry  
    
    I've found the one I've waited for  
    
      
    
    The one I've waited for  
    
      
    
    All I've known  
    
    All I've done  
    
    All I've felt was leading to this  
    
    All I've known  
    
    All I've done  
    
    All I've felt was leading to this  
    
    Wanna stay right here  
    
    'Til the end of time 'till the earth stops turning  
    
    I'm gonna love you till the seas run dry  
    
    I've found the one I've waited for  
    
    The one I've waited for  
    
    The one I've waited for  
    
      
    
    Wanna stay right here  
    
    'Til the end of time 'till the earth stops turning  
    
    I'm gonna love you 'till the seas run dry  
    
    I've found the one I've waited for  
    
    The one I've waited for  
    
    The one I've waited for _******
    
    ****
    
    ****
    
    **_   -"Gorecki" by Lamb_**
    
    **_   A.K.A: Ideal Johnny and Dally song._**

I've been here all night; still at the same spot I was when Ponyboy left me. I lean my head back on the banister wall, and close my eyes tightly. I clutch onto Johnny's last letter in my already cold hand, but I can't let go of it. I can't even look down at it. I sniff hard, letting the cool air that I had been sitting in for hours into my lungs. 

When I finally **_do_** open my eyes, I see the sun is coming, peeking out between trees. For a while, at least it seems like a while, I watch it. Johnny had always wanted me to see one, I never understood why, I guess I never even paid too much attention to what he really meant by it. 

But as I watch the sun set, it's coming up, moving so slowly that I can't even tell if it **_is _**at all, I swallow the lump in my throat. 

How could I have been so stupid? So fuckin' blind? Johnny Cade was dying even before he went into that church, he was mourning because of….**_ me_**. Because I hadn't given him the time of day, returned the feelings he had for me, Dallas Winston, this entire time. 

Again, I have to say I was a blinded mouse. I never even saw it coming, and I want to kick myself for that. 

Yet theirs that other part that I keep avoiding, I don't even want to think of it. It's the part where…what if Johnny had actually told me how he had felt?

Would I have acted on it? Would I even give him a chance to explain?

He thinks I thought he wasn't a man, or less than one. How could that even cross his mind? his greased head? I would never…

I feel my hand shaking, I'm grabbing the letter so tightly I feel like it's about to rip into shreds if I even move. I would be lying if I said I always, from the beginning, loved Johnny Cade.

I didn't think of him like he had about me, not then.

My vision is becoming blurry and clouded, I know it's not because of my lack at sleep…it's because I'm crying, trying so hard **_not_** too!

I clenched my teeth, I'm aware that I could shatter them all "I'm sorry, Johnny" I sputtered through my mouth, trying not to open it, my lips like a sealed case.

It wasn't that I didn't love him; I did but not in **_that way_** back then. I'm realizing that I didn't love Johnny more than the '_Gang's Pet' _until_ **after**_ he had needed help, **_after_** he got hurt in the fire. 

And even then, I couldn't admit to myself how much I really did care about him. The night before he died, the night of the rumble between the Greasers and good for nothing Socs, I talked to Johnny….

It was our last conversation together, just the two of us. He kept trying to say something to me, but I warned him to calm down, he was getting too anxious for a person in his condition, he was so weak… 

I kind of knew what he was trying to tell me that night, but I didn't let him.

I didn't let him tell me **_anything_**; I kept repeating to myself, to him, everything was going to be all right, we would talk again.

The reason I acted the way I did was because I was confused, I didn't understand what I was going through. 

It was in the room, when Pony and Two-Bit had visited, after asking about Johnny and how he was… was when I realized I loved the little twerp. He was more than a friend, he was more than a brother figure, he was just **_more_**.

I buried my head into my hands, and drew my knees up on the railing. Trying to hide my face from everything: the cold, the sun, **_everything_**.

If I could turn back time, I would do it in an instant. If I could only go back to that night, where I came to him. I would…. collapse in front of his bed, I would cry like a baby and tell him, even shout it, that he meant so much to me. He couldn't die, I wouldn't let him! 

I would kiss his forehead, I would kiss his wet cheeks since in my fantasy, he would be crying too. I would kiss his whole face, until I got to his lips, his soft lips.

I wouldn't care if anyone came at that moment, not even the nosy nurses. Everything would be n'sync and all that would be left was the two of us, in the barely lit hospital room.

Of course, this was only a fantasy and they live up to their names. 

I decided after today, I would crash at the Curtis house for a couple of days, if they even let met through the house with Ponyboy probably telling them how fucked I've become. 

Even though he promised, I got to keep reminding myself that.

I couldn't stay at Buck's anymore, at least not for now. Too many things have happen to me in this animal house, but most of those things never even did occur. They were all in my dreams….

So, I have a point. Tonight, well, morning actually, is going to be my last time here for a while. 

When the clock hits a decent time, I'm off. 

Off to the Curtis' house. I don't know what lies ahead for me and my dreams, these dreams that happen every time I close my eyes. I can't even blink without seeing Johnny smiling at me, grinning some how. But theirs something, a gut feeling I'm having that keeps telling me to go to the three brother's house……

**_This. _**The gut feeling I mentioned, it's Johnny. 

Johnny needs me there. 

A/N: Next chapter will be soon, the up-coming one will be the beginning of the end for "Keep Myself Awake". Don't worry though (If you actually do like this story), I'm going to have a couple of more chapters up. Just "one" long dream, one long adventure for the amazing duo that, in my opinion, were the best characters in the book even though they both died. *sniff * 


	7. A Wash of Sorries and the Big NoNo

**A/N: I think that's a 100% percent right Jkb!! You are definitely one of the reviewers I am always keeping an eye out when I post a chapter to this fic. Thanks again for your comments.**       

**_I didn't come this far for you to make this hard for me.   
And now you want to ask me "how"?   
It's like - how does your heart beat, and why do you breathe?   
How does your heart beat, and why do you breathe?   
Why did you come here?   
You weren't invited.   
You were on the outside - Stay on the outside.   
And now you want to ask me "why"?   
It's like - why does your heart beat, and how do you cry?   
How does your heart beat?   
And there are some things that I'd like to figure out.   
There are some things that I can do without -   
Like you, and your letters that go on forever,   
And you, and the people that were never friends.   
With all the things that you could be,   
You never could learn how to be me.   
And now you want to ask me "how"?   
It's like - how does your heart beat, and why do you breathe?   
How does your heart beat, and why do you breathe_**

****

**_                                                                           -"How" by Lisa Loeb_**

Even before I walked into the Curtis house, I could hear the chatting of the Greasers from the front porch. I pushed the screen door open, my face haggard and my strength almost gone. 

Two-Bit, Pony, and Steve were sitting around the television set watching something I couldn't tell what, all I could comprehend was that it was loud, noisy, and already annoying the hell out of me. I groaned quietly, and stood still for a moment. My eyes closing briefly and trying to collect myself, when I opened them I was greeted with the seldom face of a one Ponyboy Curtis. He glanced at me, not even craning his neck to look directly at me. He went back to gazing like a mindless zombie at the T.V screen once more and pretended not to know I was there, or that I ever even arrived.

By doing that, the fire inside of me flickered and I grinned gratefully to know I still had it. Dallas Winston hadn't changed, he wasn't completely fucked up. I still had those familiar feelings, not the ones that I've been going through lately. Heartache, loneliness, depression, and the worst of them all…Love. All these emotions were foreign to me; I didn't how the hell it felt! I didn't want to and I still don't. But it's already happened, and as I speak I'm going through them right now. Even as I stand here watching lifelessly at the chipped-painted wall. 

  "Oh, long time no see, Dallas Boy!" Two-Bit greeted out of nowhere, making me slightly jump but that was odd since I never got caught off guard before, never. I'm always living on edge; you don't know when someone is going to jump out holding a switchblade. I guess these are one of those days that I forgot my cool.

And what surprised me even more is that I don't even care anymore.

"Where have you been, Dal?" Steve asked, chocolate cake frosting on the corner of his mouth. 

"I know the answer to that question! You've been banging sluts, haven't you? Dallas Boy here hasn't even had time to walk out of the bedroom, huh, Dal?" Two-Bit enquired, that cheesy yet sly grin on his face. I opened my mouth to say something to that when I heard Ponyboy snort loudly, but not turn to face me. Was he mocking me? 

My hands turned into fists, but I continued. I shrugged, not wanting to give them any ideas yet not dishing anything in the first place to **_get_** notions.

I turned around, heading to the kitchen I called "Darry?"

I could hear the water faucet running and some clanging of pots or pans. I was almost knocked over when Darry's head popped out from the corner, his face as tired looking as mines. He backed off, closing his eyes briefly and shaking his head, he apologized "Didn't see ya there, Dallas. Sorry about that" He put the dishrag over his shoulder and stood at the center of the small kitchen, his hand balancing himself on the sink.

"Woah, Dally. You look like shit" He commented and I arched an eyebrow.

"You should talk. Not looking too good yourself either" I replied, jamming my left hand into the pocket of my jacket for no reason in particular.

He nodded, and a long sigh escaped his mouth. "Things have been rough lately," He said, moving forward and peeking into the next room "Hey, Pony, it was your turn to do the dishes tonight" his voice seemed like he had already recited that line a million times.

The younger Greaser's voice followed with an "I said I'd do them later". Damn, that kid was really bugging me. If I were Darrel I'd to something to teach him a lesson right about now.

But I wasn't Darry, I would never be. I couldn't even take care of Johnny from dying so what gives me the right to even think about saying what I would or wouldn't do with a little brother.

I spaced out for a moment and tried to collect myself once more, I kept doing that lately. Just staring off into nothing and thinking way too much. It made me want to laugh, Me, Dallas Winston was actually taking time to think!  
  


I saw Darrel facing me again, his shoulders slumped "Don't bother, I already did them," he said but his voice was barely a whisper.

I felt bad for the guy, he didn't deserve this. "Dar, you got to say something, why are you letting Pony off so easily lately? This is not you" I found myself telling him.

He gazed up at me "I promised Sodapop that I wouldn't fight with him anymore, I can't break that promise even though I want to yell my head off right now. It's just a matter of control" He responded, but I thought all that came out of his mouth was bullshit, I think I even said it out loud.

"So, what? Are you just going to let him walk all over you? Great plan, tell me how that goes for you" My voice was cold and sarcastic, like old times. I had missed it up to now but I didn't anymore. What have I become?

His strong jaw line was visible and I knew I had struck a nerve to the oldest Curtis' brother.

I raised my hands in defense "Forget it, pretend I never even said anything. It's not my business-."

"It's not! And what would you know about this anyhow? You don't have to get up every morning with the same responsibility dawning on you…" He shot back, his eyes clouded with sudden anger. 

My head dropped to stare down at my dirt covered boots, I knew what he was saying was true though. I would never be able to have something to care about as much as him in my life, I did once and I lost it. 

"I-I'm sorry, Dallas…I didn't mean to snap at you like that…." I looked up at Darry who was suddenly standing before me, he put his hand on my shoulder "Things have been rough…since Johnny died, the gang hasn't been the same, I know **I** haven't…but it doesn't take a brainiac to see you're the one this has effected the most….I see you're hurting and…" I pushed him before he could finish; almost shocked when I realized whom I was doing this to. It was Darrel Cutis for Christ sakes! The leader of the Greasers, the one who gives me the least shit from anyone! I feel like this whole thing with Johnny and the dreams were slowly making me insane. 

Darry's eyes were wide as he straightened himself, the dishrag that had been on his shoulder falling onto the floor. I wanted to start pulling my hair out and yell at the top of my lungs.

"…. What did Ponyboy tell you?" I asked yet it didn't come off much as a question, my voice was low and I had my hands clasped to the sides of my head. I began breathing hard.

"Jesus, Winston….." I heard Darrel curse under his breath, I couldn't see how he was staring at me since I was looking away from him but I didn't need to see his face to know that he was noticing how I was crumbling on the outside. But I bet what he **_didn't _**know was that my love for Johnny was overtaking me. He was all I could think about, dream about. He was in my gut… my throat…I was drowning in him or at least the memory of Johnny Cade.

"What did Ponyboy tell you!?" I raised my voice, but not high enough for the others to hear us, or be suspicious. I blinked several times and my hands were shaking slightly. Sweat developing on the top of my forehead.

"Calm down, Dally. Pony hasn't said anything. Just cool down, you're getting pale…." The older Greaser picked the dishrag up from the floor and put it under running water from the faucet.

I backed into the side of the counter, clutching my arm to me tightly. I didn't realize I was muttering to myself something I couldn't even make out. 

Leaning my head against the refrigerator side, I banged it lightly on it. "God help me…" I finally understood some part of my jabbering.

Taken off-guard once more, I felt a damp towel pressed against my temple and I let out a relaxed sigh as Darry did so, almost cooling me down. I closed my eyes for a moment then firmer, mumbling "…. I'm sorry, forgive me…." Who was I apologizing too? Darrel? Or Johnny? For not saving him, for not seeing him hurting right in front of my fuckin' eyes.

"Sshh…." Darry's voice was extraordinarily soothing for the reputation he had. He was as hard as pricks. This guy didn't have a gentle bone in his body, much like me.

"Dally, I think you're getting sick…you can crash for a couple of hours in my room since Soda is already occupying his…." I was only half-listening, my hearing was slowly becoming out of tune with everything that was around. Was it because I was really sick or was it the dose of aspirin I had taken before I got here?

I felt Darrel's hand on my shoulder again, his grip steady as he helped me to the room but as I turned my head. I was greeted with something I thought could never happen.

It made my blood run cold. No, I wasn't looking at what I thought it could be.

It was Johnny.

And he was staring back, his arm balancing me like Darrel had done seconds before. My mouth fell open and I fought for words. I had to start telling him….

That I loved him 

And I was sorry, so completely sorry. It was burning me up.

"I'm sorry…Please, forgive me…I never meant to hurt you…I didn't know…." I spoke here and there, not even sure where I could begin.

Johnny's expression was strange and I found myself wondering what he was thinking, what was going through his mind at this instant. 

I dipped my head forward to capture his mouth. I kissed him feverishly, my right arm over his shoulder and my other coming around to wrap it's self to his neck. I had my eyes closed like a lock that could only be open with a key; I didn't want to open them since I thought if I did, Johnny would be gone.

He was unusually stiff, the way I was during the carnival but not even. He was tenser than I had been.

His….**_ strong _**quivering hand soon came up and was placed on the side of my arm. His lips gently moving with mines, getting into the rhythm of my pace. As I got deeper into this kiss, the more I was noticing how different it was from the first time I had with him. It was like every limb in his body was trembling, out of….what? Fear, anxiousness, excitement? 

I stopped abruptly, my lips still touching his and my eyes remaining closed. I was beginning to be become frightened of what I would fine when I opened them.

But I had too sooner or later.

His breathing was tranquil against my face, and as I came into view of the older Greaser, his eyes were closed as tightly as mines had been. I think he was more afraid than I've ever been to this.

I pulled away violently, knocking myself hard against the wall. Darry doing the same. A large amount of space left between us.

"I-I….Oh fuck…." I repeated, breathing fiercely and swearing non-constant. 

Darry was shaking his head "…. That didn't happen….No….Oh god…." 

If he kept on babbling, I didn't know since I had already stormed out of the kitchen and passed the one by one curious Greasers. I made my way down the small hallway toward the end and slammed the door close from behind me. 

I was going to stop this madness…. **Now.**

I wasn't leaving this room until everything was sorted out.

Those aspirins were coming in just fine. 

A/N: I hoped you liked this chapter, I didn't even know I'd have Dally kiss Darry at the end. It just came to me as I was writing. I'm flattered that some of you don't want this to end but last night, I was thinking about this fic and a possibility struck me. If I go with this idea that came to me, it could lead up to a sequel. Hmm, well, I'll just have to think about this and get back to you guys with more chapters since that's what you want. (Duh!) 


	8. Flashback

A/N: Sorry that this isn't a real chapter. I just wanted to say that Jkb's fic is sooooo good!! People, GO READ IT!! And while you're at it, Read Tashue's stories too! We've got some real talented writers on here. I hope you continue writing slash for the Outsiders since, as much as some might disapprove, I absolutely love it and I know others do too. 

Disclaimer: THE OUTSIDERS is owned by S.E Hinton, also, do not read this fic if you have morals issues with the subject or are just not into slash. 

Tashue-*jumps up and down* Yes, someone noticed the Darry thing! The weird thing is that the Dally and Darry pairing is rapidly becoming my favorite even though no one has really written about them. I even wrote a fic about the two, which I might post, depending. Anyway, just…. Don't forget about those two in this fic….hehe. Let's just get Dally sane first….

FLASHBACK 

****

****

  I stumbled through the hospital corridors, my hand trailing against the wall as I passed by the rooms. Peeking into them to try and find my Johnnycake but only greeted by sights worst off than I had ever been. I wondered how bad Johnny looked. I kept quiet since I knew if I was caught, I would be sent back to my room. But Dallas Winston isn't one for listening to rules. Regulations were meant to be broke to get what you want, that is. 

And right now, what I wanted the most was too see Johnny Cade. I had my jacket over my shoulders since it hurt too much to slide it on, my ribs were tightly bandaged and my arm had a small cast on it. I've been in this type of pain before so, It wasn't anything unbearable. Although, I wish I didn't have the fuckin' soreness all over my body. One of the reasons why I was practically tiptoeing through here was that after I finished talking to Johnny, I would try and catch the rumble which was going down tonight. The Greasers against those measly Socs. They had me fed-up and sore or not, I wasn't going to miss out on bashing a damn Socs' head in. Show them that they didn't mess with us hoods…..They don't mess with Johnnycake and get away with it.

That was what I had told Two-Bit and Pony when they came to visit me this morning. The rumble was only partly for filling that void in everyone, but my purpose was Johnny. Always that little dark-haired JD.

I stopped in my tracks as I came into view of a folder hanging on the door outside of a room, which read: **Cade, Johnny. Sever burns, critical condition**.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and without glancing back to see if anyone was around, I slipped silently into the room and closed the door just as quietly as I had came in from- behind me. I closed my eyes briefly as I saw the Greaser I had anticipated on seeing before me, laying almost lifelessly on the bed. His back was showing to me, he was being held face down on something that looked more like a strap board than a bed. Damn Doctors, what are they going to have next? Patients hanging off from they're limbs?

With a disgusted snarl at the oddity of Seniority, I stepped forward and came closer to the bed "Johnny?" I said his name, biting down hard on my bottom lip at the sight of his burned flesh.

"…Dal?" He croaked, stirring slightly as if he had just awakened from a bad dream.

"Yeah Man, it's me. Dally. How ya' holdin' up?" I asked yet I already knew the answer. **_NOT GOOD_**

"…I'd be better if I could see ya'…" He murmured softly, I could tell by only talking he was wasting his energy.  
  


"I can fix that," I said as I got down on my knees and crawled under him, lying straight on my back to stare up at the younger Greaser. Greeted by a small but tiresome smile.

"What do these bastards have you on?" I wondered out-loud 

"It helps to straighten out my back but I don't know why they bother…. Dal, I can't…. I can't feel anything below the middle of my back, the Docs say I might…. might never walk again…" He manages to tell me and I bite my lip harder, almost drawing blood. He didn't deserve this, out of everyone; Johnny Cade wasn't supposed to be lying strapped to this bed. I should be, Tim Shepherd should be, even 'The Brumly brothers' for Christ sakes, some tough-dangerous hoods like them not innocent little Johnny. Life works in some fucked up ways that I can't even begin to understand, maybe I never will.

"They'll be here soon to put me on my back again, I don't know if they'd like it very much to find you here" He broke into my reflections and I thanked secretly for that, I didn't like the way I was thinking lately. Would it ever stop?

"Uh, yea', It wouldn't be Tuff' if they found me under another guy…" I tried to joke but it wasn't working. Johnny seemed to flinch.

"…I'm not going to make it, Dal and you know it" He said, looking down intently at me but one thing I picked out of those strong eyes of his were fear. He was still a lost boy floating inside those big orbs of his.

"Ssh, don't talk like that. You'll be out of here in no time, back to the streets to cause some trouble with me" I offered a lop-sided grin to him and after a pause, he returned it.

"…. You're goin' to the rumble, ain't ya?" He asked or stated, I didn't know which so I answered with a 'yes'

"Can't wait to beat the tar out of some Soc, that will teach them," I said, my seething hatred for those madras idiots notable with every word I say.

"…That won't help with nothin', in the end, we're just Greasers…. The ones with the struggle and low lives…. and they'll always be the Socs, the rich kids with the breaks. Nothing is going to change Dallas…. no one seems to get that…" He broke in, shaking his head and his teeth grinding.

I didn't respond, "…I should go, I don't want to miss the fight…" I said about to shift myself from underneath him but stopped by his whispers "I don't want to die, Dallas. I'm scared"

"You shouldn't be, you're going to be OK, I told you that" I reassured, sighing

"…. Not that. Not because of my life…. If I …don't make it and don't try to tell me '**_it's goin' to be alright'_**, I heard that enough today…. If I don't make it, even though I haven't seen too many things, I don't want to feel like I didn't do the one thing I've been wanting to always tell you, I don't want to die without regrets…. I gotta tell you now, before you leave…." He broke down, tears beginning to streak his face and I fidgeted awkwardly. I didn't know how to handle someone or better yet, myself, in these kinds of situations.

"You've always been there for me, right Dal?" He waited for my reply and I simply nodded "…. Yeah, Johnny. And I still am" I said, trying to get my voice from rising with the emotion I was suddenly feeling for the kid.

"…And I know you wouldn't ever deny who I am…. Would you?"

"No! Never, Johnnycake. I wouldn't do that to you" I exclaimed, the urge of wanting to reach out to him hitting me like a load of bricks. Feel his face, touch his quivering lips….

"Then this makes it even harder to tell you…" He choked up another sob and wiped hurriedly at it with the back of his hand.

"Me accepting you makes whatever you're goin' to admit…. hard?" I clarified but still left confused by what he meant. What was he getting so worked up about? 

But maybe I shouldn't play this game of 'guess what?' anymore. I wasn't a total idiot; I might have the slight idea of what the hell he was about to tell me.

Oh, god… 

****

"We've been friends for so long and I don't want…. anything to change…I-I don't want you to be…disgusted with me…. but I'm weak, I feel like I'm falling and I can't stop to get up, no one's saving me…So, I have to tell you that I've l-.."

He was never able to finish. We heard the heavy footsteps of Doctors or maybe Nurses approaching the room and I quickly became alert. "I gotta' get out of here,'" I said in a hush tone.

"Dal" He pressed on "Don't leave"

"I'll be back, ok?" 

"…. Bring Ponyboy, I've gotta talk to him too…" He agreed yet I could tell he didn't want me to leave.

"…. I promise I'll come back for you Johnny, and Pony will be here too. Just…. hold on" I made an attempt to leave but I stopped once more, and staring up at Johnny's painfully contorted face, I decided I had to give him some sort of idea that…. He didn't need to tell me anything. I already knew. As much as I don't want to admit it out-loud, even think it, I felt the same towards him as he did for me.

I raised my self higher with my hands and pressed my lips against the side of Johnny's mouth, barely missing his lips but I did that for a purpose.

"Hold on" I repeated and quickly left. Leaving Johnny's eyes wide and glossy. 

QUICK JOHNNY POV

When Dallas disappeared from under me, I couldn't help but let the tears that I had been holding in all this time out. Not knowing if he was still in the room or not, I said, "I love you"

_…He never answered back._

****


End file.
